Saturday, December 30, 2006

5 weird things about me

Donna tagged me on this one. I'm trying to limit this to stuff you probably never gleaned about me online, like, you probably know that I love maps and keeping tallies of things and such like that. Sorry about the emphasis on bodily functions.

1. I cannot smell farts. I know this sounds absurd, but it's true. I was in college before I realized that people weren't just joking when they turned their noses up when people farted. People say they smell like poo, but I can smell poo. Not farts, though. Needless to say, this makes me paranoid whenever I do fart, because I can't tell if it's stinky enough for other people to smell.

2. Speaking of which, I generally have at least three bowel movements a day, often more.

3. I have no idea if this has anything to do with that, but I drink a ton of milk. My wife drinks no milk, so I am the only one in the house drinking it. I generally buy two gallons at a time, and can usually finish both gallons before they expire. (I've never gone through with a completely controlled experiment, but in situations where I've gone without milk for a few days, it's had no effect either way on my bowels.)

4. On the other hand, here is a partial list of foods I can't stand and will refuse to eat for almost any reason:
  • Mayonnaise
  • Sour cream
  • Unsweetened yogurt
  • All salad dressings (yes, even "just a light vinaigrette")
  • Most cheeses (mozzarella and parmesan are OK; jack, swiss, or ricotta are OK in small amounts)
  • Mustard
  • Whole tomatoes, sliced tomatoes, chunks of tomatoes, etc. But I love ketchup and will cheerily gobble down pasta or pizza with sauce--- provided I can remove any large chunks of tomato. If your pasta sauce still has chunks in it, that doesn't mean it's "garden fresh," it means you didn't cook it long enough.)
  • Pickles
  • Eggplant
  • Zucchini
  • Coffee (this goes for coffee itself, as well as any coffee-flavored drinks, ice cream, candy, etc. The odd thing is that I think coffee stores swell lovely. But the drink tastes nasty; I've never drunk a full cup of coffee in my life.)
  • Beer (The only time I ever drank a full beer in my life was during a concert in Seattle, where I needed to be able to sing, but my vocal chords were raw from screaming, and the only liquid anybody had was some cheap local beer in cans. I chugged one and was able to carry on. I once tried some WeiƟbier at a German restaurant in Indianapolis that I thought wasn't bad because it lacked much of that awful aftertaste most beer has.)
Anyway, I feel so strongly about some of the stuff on this list that it reaches the level of a phobia; if someone across the table from me is eating, say, coleslaw, I'll turn away or position objects so that I can't see it.

5. I think the powers that be in the media who decide which women are attractive are pulling a big scam on the world, although I think they've eased up a bit in recent years as curvy women have become more acceptable. Mainly I object to the standard angular-faced blonde as the epitome of female attractiveness; c.f. any of Hugh Hefner's girlfriends. A lot of supermodels are pretty ugly, too. Jessica Simpson is a lantern-jawed hag. It's not just blondes, either; I never saw anything attractive in, say, Julia Roberts or Bettie Page, either.


At Sunday, December 31, 2006 at 12:00:00 AM PST, Anonymous doafy said...

I did not know about the zucchini. About #2 (ha!) How is the length and girth of said movements? That, apparently, tells of good intestinal health. (see my blog today for more info on that one.)

At Sunday, December 31, 2006 at 12:47:00 PM PST, Blogger Adam Villani said...

Dude, girth and length are kind of hard to measure if they aren't even solid.

At Sunday, December 31, 2006 at 2:26:00 PM PST, Anonymous clynne said...

Oh my god you guys are so gross.

Erich bought me the Re-Search Guide to Bodily Functions to get me to quit discussing things like this with him, but even with my husband I didn't discuss length and girth. I certainly wouldn't publish it in a blog for all to see.

I'm glad to see there is an area where I am MUCH MUCH CLASSIER THAN MY YOUNGER SIBLINGS.

At Sunday, December 31, 2006 at 3:32:00 PM PST, Anonymous doafy said...

You should have heard this guy on the infomercial talking about looking at his 4-year-old's poos and being jealous.

At Wednesday, January 3, 2007 at 5:39:00 PM PST, Anonymous arifa said...

I am sooooo with you on Mayonnaise, Mustard, and Pickles. Nasty stuff, all. That is so weird about the farts, though. I've known you for many years and never heard about that.

At Thursday, January 4, 2007 at 11:33:00 AM PST, Blogger Adam Villani said...

Yeah, when I was a kid, somebody would fart, people would hold there noses and say "peee-yuu," and I would just laugh along to be part of the crowd.


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